[Expletive Deleted]

I am not accomplished enough with profanity for a day like today.  Or maybe there’s just not enough profanity in the world.

It all comes of thinking that I was going to have a good day.  That was my fatal error, I think: the flaw that set my own personal Greek tragedy into motion.  You see, Apple and Orange slept (almost) through the night last night, for really the first time ever.  They didn’t get up until 4:30 this morning, so I got to sleep almost six hours in a row.  Woo!  Hallelujah!

And… that was the end of the sleeping.

Ah, well, I thought.  I’ll drink some coffee, read the paper, get an early start to the day.  It could be worse.  (Yes, Julie, yes it could…)

Raisin got up at about 6:30, we did breakfast, the babies took a ridiculously early nap.  So far, other than the cold that we’ve all been fighting, things weren’t so bad.

Then I tried to tighten a loose light bulb in a ceiling fixture, and the bulb part came off in my hand, leaving the screw part in the light.  [insert mild profanity here]

We shook it off and headed for a nearby mall so that Raisin could play on the indoor playground.  I was actually pretty proud of this idea — it solved the need to get out of the house despite a rainy day, it was free, and it kept Raisin entertained sans TV, which is hard when she’s sick and the babies are nursing all the time.

Then we came home to find the Jellyman sound asleep — too sick to finish the work day, or to attend his night class tonight.  [insert slightly less mild profanity here]  Which, of course, reminded me that I hadn’t planned anything for supper.  [profanity]

We could still be OK, I told myself.  I just have to quick clean up the kitchen and throw dinner in the Crockpot while the babies are napping.  Except the babies woke up before I could finish supper.  [profanity]  And they were in a really bad mood and screamed while I left them in their play seats so I could get the chicken started.  [profanity profanity profanity]

And then, friends, then is when my day became bad.  Orange seemed the most inconsolable, so I plucked her out of her seat first, thinking I could nurse the twins and salvage the afternoon.  On my way to the bedroom with Orange, I noticed that the toilet was running.  It’s been doing that lately, and all that’s required is a quick flip of the chain so that the flap will seal properly.  Something I should’ve been able to do with one hand while I held the baby with the other.  Except I lost my grip on the tank cover, dropped it into the tank, and actually shattered the porcelain of the tank.  [profanity] (I know, I wouldn’t have thought it possible either.  I am extremely talented in these matters.)

For those of you playing along at home, large jagged hole in toilet tank = bathroom floor covered in water and shards of broken porcelain.  [profanity] And I had to find a safe place to set Orange before I could turn off the water, so I’m guessing there were a couple of gallons out before I made it back. [profanity x one billion]

Also, Orange and Apple still wanted to be fed, and Raisin was mad because I wouldn’t let her come into the bathroom to see what was going on.  Oh yeah, and the Jellyman had left for a dentist appointment.  I cleaned up the worst of it, fed the babies, and left the kids upstairs while I took a load of sodden towels to the basement.

I used the opportunity of being out of earshot to say every bad word I know.


About Grape

I've got the world's best kids and husband. Great house, steady job. I'm living the American dream. The trick is to appreciate it. I'm working on that part.
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4 Responses to [Expletive Deleted]

  1. Well, at least it was water all over the bathroom floor, and not something more . . .unpleasant. I know, not much comfort.

    At least by comparison, today’s gotta be a lot better, right?

  2. I think you did a great job. I never would have made it out of earshot before uttering the profane.

  3. Jody says:

    Yeah, I don’t think there are explitives enough for a day like that.

    At least you get a new toilet, though. (Ducking to avoid pieces of projectile ceramic coming my way…..)

  4. Erin says:

    Um… My almost-fwee year old knows how to use the f-bomb in the correct context. As follows:

    “Look, Mom! I drop my cup, and then I say Fuck!”

    If you managed all of that and stayed sane, you’re my hero for the week. I admire you. You Are A Good Mom, Julie! (All caps used to indicate forcefulness, of course.)

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