It’s not just the illness.  Admittedly, that’s not helping me feel less defeated.  I Lysol and launder and administer BRAT diets and fluids, and still Apple and Orange keep throwing up.  I feel pretty useless, and my alternate strategy of pleading, “Please don’t throw up again” isn’t working either. 

It’s more than that, though.  I want to make changes, but I’m not sure which things to change.  Which are the stresses that are really unbearable, and which are the ones that are just from ongoing winter and this particular stage of toddlerhood?  How much will my perspective change when we escape those particular traps?  Will the other stuff suddenly seem just fine, meaning I should just leave it alone?

I keep getting stuck in these circular loops of reasoning.  Observe:

Find a day job?  Well, that depends on what activities I want Apple and Orange to be able to do.  They are almost old enough to really start getting into things like Puppet Theater.  OK, that’s it — it’s better to keep the night shift so I can take them to fun stuff this summer.

No!  Wait!  If they are old enough to do Puppet Theater, maybe they would like KinderMusik or swimming lessons.  I can’t take them there alone, so we should sign up for night classes.  Definitely the day job search, then.

Hey, what about me?  It should make some small shred of difference whether I actually LIKE my work, yes?  I should enjoy my time with my kids and I should get some satisfaction from my job.  Maybe I just need some time to figure out what I want.  Oh, right.  In all my spare time, I’ll do that.

Shoot, what about Raisin!?  She’s going to her pre-kindergarten screening this spring — there’s only one school year left before she’s going to be off to “real school.”  How do I want to spend that time? 

My marriage is important, too, I suppose.*  It would be nice to see my husband sometimes.

What was I trying to figure out again?

*That’s sarcasm, that is.


About Grape

I've got the world's best kids and husband. Great house, steady job. I'm living the American dream. The trick is to appreciate it. I'm working on that part.
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One Response to Stymied

  1. Erin says:

    Not to be a Negative Nancy, (Jaded Jane?) but I don’t think that’s winter talking – that’s motherhood. It sucks sometimes – you’ll never manage to make all the people happy, and the one who comes last is invariably you.

    I say that because I feel the same way, and my children aren’t vomiting, and I sort of like my day job, and I still can’t do all the things I want to do with them, and I still have no time for my marriage or myself…

    I admire your fortitude…

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