Grief

Grief on other people always looks so refined, so beautiful in spite of the pain.  On me, it always seems to look like this:

1) In my going-to-church underwear and a bathrobe, washing dishes that easily could’ve waited until after Grandpa’s funeral today, but needing to do something with the nervous energy and unexpected extra time.

2) In a black dress and heels, checking out of Target with my one purchase (waterproof mascara), and thinking, “Grandpa probably never even heard of waterproof mascara” and “I suck.  Everyone totally knows where I must be going, and they’re wondering how I didn’t think of this sooner.”

3) Twisting my hands together, reminding myself to hold back the nervous laughter that seems to be my calling card.

4) Alternating between being glad that I stopped for the mascara, since at least now I’m just red and splotchy and not red and splotchy and black-streaked, and being mad at myself for being so abominably vain.

5) Hoping Grandpa could hear all the wonderful things that were said about him today, because they were all true.

He’ll be buried tomorrow at Fort Snelling.  At least I already have the mascara.

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About Grape

I've got the world's best kids and husband. Great house, steady job. I'm living the American dream. The trick is to appreciate it. I'm working on that part.
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9 Responses to Grief

  1. Kate says:

    I love you.

  2. Cara says:

    You are a beautiful talent Julie. I’m so sorry for your loss, I know all to well how hard it is.

  3. Jenni says:

    Julie,
    I am so sorry honey. LOTS of love, thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Please let me know if there is anything that we can do.

  4. April says:

    On the outside grief looks just as refined on you, my dear friend. We do our best to be as graceful as possible when we are at our worst. God Bless your family and your wonderful, loving Grandpa!

  5. Beth Fish says:

    So sorry for your loss.

  6. Becky says:

    We are always our own worst critic. It sounds like you’ve done the best you could and what you could to get through an extremely tough day. Praying for you as you prepare for round 2 (or 3, or 6) tomorrow.

  7. Nicki says:

    Love, love, love that you bought mascara. Not vain at all, just practical.

  8. Jill says:

    I’m so sorry.

    And I always worry about how awful I look when I cry, too.

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