Notice #1. Attn: February
So. You’re here. Before you even really get started, I’d like to propose a détente. In the past, I have suspected you of containing more than your fair share of illnesses, emotional upsets, and disappointments. I have, I admit, developed a kind of superstition/obsession with you, and I have called you many names which are really quite illogical things to call a collection of squares on the calendar. Also, prime time TV would be unable to air most of them.
For 2011, I am proposing a truce. You be Nixon, I’ll be China. Whaddaya say? (And if you’re thinking that, in the long run, things seem to be working out better for China than for Nixon — well, OK. It’s not a perfect analogy. Hahahahaha? We’ll work on that part.)
Notice #2. Attn: People who tell me not to worry.
Stop. I mean, you’re not wrong. It would be better if I worried less, especially about things I cannot control.
However. Think about how your worst trait is probably just your best trait taken to extremes, and how since you are in your own head, you don’t always realize when you are taking it too far until it is too late. Then decide if you really still need to tell me to relax, or if you could say something more encouraging like, “You will figure it out. I have faith in you.”
Notice #3. Attn: People under the age of 7 who ought to listen to me but don’t.
Your father and I were watching “Outsourced” this week, when one character said something like, “You know, when we’re alone together, and I’m talking out loud … that’s for your benefit. I already know the things that I am saying.”
So it is with me. Clearly my approach needs some tweaking, if I’ve given you the impression you can ignore me without consequence. I will tweak, but I suggest you fix the problem on your end before you discover the consequences. You won’t like ’em.
Especially in February.