… that when I turn 33 next month, I will be – in fact, I really already am – embarrassingly, horribly, awfully old.
Incident the First, Part A
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job (I will be working on a secure floor, where everybody has to pass a background check and have their prints on file). The nearest security screening place is in an office building not far from my house. When I walked in to the lobby, there was a kid (by which I mean “recent college grad,” and there was certainly a time in my life when I would not have referred to somebody that age as a “kid”) examining the directory.
He was holding the same printout I had, and he looked confused, so I pointed him in the right direction, and we took the elevator up together. Our conversation went thusly, and to get the full effect you really need to grunt his answers to yourself:
Me: Are you starting a new job?
Me: Me too! Where are you going to work?
Him: Wells Fargo.
Me: Hey, me too! Where will you be?
Now, Wells is one of the largest employers in the Twin Cities, so by “where,” I really meant, “in which department,” but by this point I had decided that the poor dear must be super nervous about this whole process and just couldn’t manage to carry on a conversation, so I let him be.
Incident the First, Part B
By a few days later, when I related this story to my mom, I had decided that he was actually the rudest, snot-nosedest little jerk I had met in a long time. “You know, he was probably only a few seconds away from calling me ‘ma’am!’ If he had done that, I would’ve slapped him upside his fool head. Hmmph. I am only like 10 years older than him!”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said my mom. “In a few more years, it won’t bother you anymore.”
Sage advice, and given my mom’s track record for being right, almost certainly true. But I am 99% sure that 3-4 years ago, she would have said, “You are not that old! What is wrong with that kid!?”
Incident the Second
I googled “penny snatcher,” (Note: it’s actually panty snatcher, but that DOES NOT provide additional evidence that I am beyond irrelevant, because lots of people misunderstood it. So there.) because I totally want to call Pink up, and while I am clearly a party crasher and a gangsta, I wasn’t sure if I was qualified on the third count.